Come upon me this lasting year this last
In which my heart led new went completely
For love.
A year of failure unless success is
A failure of a certain kind.
I started like this calendar in January.
Months distracting had led me to a place.
But then came the twenty first day of the month. And then the twenty second.
The twenty third though, that was the day
I was broken. "She was the Universe",
a line drifted through my mind.
Every day I think of you, and every time I think of you,
its always good. Even the panic. Even the calm.
Every moment in your presence was electric. Then, one day,
I started crying. I would come home,
and that slow commute would be filled with tears.
And then after a few days, I realized I'd fallen in love.
Love isn't always a place we want to be.
Everyone gets that wrong. Sometimes it arrives
at the wrong time in life, and other times
its terrifying.
Such as the times its real, and you have no wish to believe
it to be true. And you want it, and you push it away,
and you can't tell the difference between desire and fear.
January 23rd. Grey green eyes.
Always it seemed it was as easy to fall out of love
as to fall in, that it had its resolutions. If a resolution
by passion was not available, then some expression,
and maybe someone else. But love always faded.
Until it didn't. And with it more fear, more insecurity,
more that sensation of the spirit becoming loose
of the body. And more knowledge of the impossibility
of love to be true. And then more sorrow.
And still it did not fade.
So I tried separation, if not a week, then never seeing her again.
And still it did not fade. I drove, I bathed myself in exhaustion,
I laid myself at the waters edge, I drowned in sound.
I fell into another kind of love.
And still it did not fade. Everytime I think of you, its always good.
Even the panic.
